Mummy said to me recently…
“Aphrodite, my dear, I would love for you to get married soon and to someone from our place. It is a thing of pride for a mother who’s daughter marries from home and not from faraway. However, I don’t mind if the man is not from our town but he has to be of the same tribe as us. A first daughter doesn’t go too far from home, you hear?”
I heard her loud and clear.
These past few days, its becoming more and more imminent that I may have to say ‘yes’ to X. O hasn’t asked anything yet so there is no question to say yes to. I know where my heart lies but it is unfortunate that I have to make a decision that may not be in line with my heart’s desire.
X is not a bad guy. He is actually good to me and I think he will make me a good husband. I may never get to know what kind of husband O will make. I used to love X, am sure I can still rekindle that love and make the best of married life with him after all it is said that if life hands you lemons, you make lemonade out of them!
I might as well try to make lemonade out of my lemons.
Love, everyone says is a decision.
I did not choose to fall in love with O. It just happened!
But I chose to fall out of love with X then. Maybe I can try to fall back into love with him again.
I know some of you my friends may feel that am ‘settling’. Maybe I am. The truth is that I really want to settle down and have those beautiful babies and if X is the man, so be it! For many girls, X could be the man of their dreams. Is it becos there is O and I am opportuned to have choices that I do not know that I should appreciate what God has presented before me?
I don’t need a soothsayer to tell me that my parents will not accept O simply because he is not Ibo. X is not from my town but at least he is Ibo and my family already know him and do not have anything against him.
I must admit also that I am a bit scared of waddling into unknown rivers. Marrying a man from a different tribe scares me really. They may have some strange culture and traditions that doesn’t tally with my own beliefs and values as a person. What happens then? Call it cowardice but the truth is I am more comfortable amongst my own.
I haven’t said anything to O yet. I don’t even know how to bring the issue up. X has been waiting patiently for an answer to his proposal. I don’t know how long his patience will last.
I wanted so much to find the kind of mind-consuming, heart skipping love I desired which was why I named this blog-‘Girl in search of love’ . Just when it seems I had found what I wanted. I have to let it go.
It’s so sad…
:(
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Settling...
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44 comments:
Firstttt?
Firssssssssssssssssssssstttt!!!
Ok, actually 2nd now..lol..
babe your story sounds just like mine...mine isn't even my parents decision but mine, I know I am settling but I really cant blend into a yoruba family, I say things the way i think/feel them and I am not too good at eye service...
so settled for what I have always known...
ok, before you settle, have you introduced O to your parents as your boyfriend? you never can tell, they might eventually accept him.
you dont want to wake up when you're 50, and unhappy because you realize you made the wrong choice.
Its your life not your parent's life, think deeply before you make that choice.
*hugs*
@Afrobabe: ehn? you need to start blogging into my inbox!
@afro, babes its comforting to know am not in this kind of situation alone.
Settling may just be the final resort. Hope you find happiness with the one you settled for.
@bumight, introduce him? Ha...i dont even have the guts o! My folks already see me as a confused person,They will just think i have gone bunkers,lol...
I don't feel you are settling oh.
A man who is into you and refuses 2 say anything about marriage and all, is probably not going to say anything.
n yeah doing inter tribal stuff isn't easy @ all.
Aphrodite pele.... Its not an easy situation that you're in at all. My mom has had similar conversations with me and in my heart I pretty much resolved NOT to do that, but sometimes that is not a choice for everyone. I pray that somehow you're able to weigh what's ahead of you before you make the decision, and pray, pray, pray.... I'll pray for you as well.
And BTW, has your popsy met O?
@oluwadee, u dont think i am?
Not that O hasnt said anything about marriage but nothing concrete. I mean he jokes and calls me his wife and all but that is not what am talking about.
@archiwiz, thanks so much dearie. Will keep praying about everything sha. No my folks havnt met O yet. My popsy will def flip,lol...
I've got no advice for you.
I thought I should wish you the best at this critical time ;)
This is a tough one but do u really want to let O go? U said u found what u wanted.
I will still advise u to take time off from everyone. O, X and all the others and really think abt what will make u happy. It's not abt how early u get married but how well the marriage turns out. And remember that although ur parents' happiness matter, in this situation, it is ur happiness that matters the most cos u're the one that will have to live with ur husband for life.
Think abt it. I think u need a fresh start but I know the thought of that can be daunting but give it a thought.
Wow…am so sad.. let me claim the 9th position quickly and come back with the long epistle this post deserves
Your situation is a complex one...You have to live your life at the end of the day...and that means feeling comfortable with the decision you make.
First am not a fan of Mr O. I feel you are more into him than he is into you. He doesn’t sound like someone that is ready to make a commitment to you now or anytime soon (forget that stuff of him calling you wifey…dat is no indication that he wants you to be his wife). That said I like Mr X. he loves you, he is willing to make a commitment to you and all and as per you not being so into him right now…
I truly really believe that love is not enough to build a marriage on. There are things that are also equally important, stability, trust, fear of God, compatibility, companionship, friendship and the list goes on and on
That said what bothers me is that you don’t seem happy. My take mr o may be wrong for you but that doesn’t make Mr. X right o!. YOUR HAPPINESS is paramount here…marriage is for the rest of your life…you sound as if you are convincing yourself in the post.. I think you should not be too hasty…pls make sure that you can live with him always & 4eva.
And the whole thing about tribe, I understand that tribe could also be an issue but If the bone of ur bone is a Yoruba or Hausa man…I don’t think its right for your parents to box you into a corner as regards tribe. They should be more concerned about religion or something.
Anyways pray about it… prayer at this point is very key
Forgive the long epistle
What does afrobabe mean by so I settled fgor what I know. Is she married?
(LG singing)
prayer is d key
prayer is d key
prayer is d master key...
Jesus started with prayers n ended with prayers (Aphrodite joins in..)
PRAYER IS THE MASTER KEY
BTW i jus update, oya shake ur bumbum go there....
*grins*
Babe...pray o! If you feel you are settling then maybe you should just chill.
wow. no one knows how best to deal with a situation but him who is int. may the good lord be with you as u make ur decision, whatever one u make, may it be the best for u.
@aloofar, thanks
@Iwalewa, taking time off everyone? Do you really think that will help? Hmmm, maybe i have to think about it more.Thanks babes.
@doll, i can't thank you enough for your comment.It was like i had a bucket of cold water poured on me. I agree with the fact that even of O is wrong for me, it doesnt make X better. Anyway like you said, i just have to pray more.
@naijalines, thanks sis.My situation is really complex.
@doll,lol...i think afro means she is about to say 'I do'
@LG, thanks for that song love. I didnt know you had such a lovely voice. I don reach ur side.
@naijababe, thanks dear
@zara, amen. Thanks so so much.
Babe, just go 4 X jeje o!
Na d mistake wey most of us dey make be dat: is marriage only about love? Other more important factors nko?
Abeg, think am well o...
I personally dont have anything against marrying someone from another tribe. Maybe its because am not from one of them major tribes and my parents are from different places. I feel if you love someone enough, you would learn their culture down to the nitty gritty. Dont settle unless you know for a fact X is it. Because like Bumight said. you dont want to be unhappy forever because you wanted to please your family.
ohh and dont be sad..am sure eveything would work out!!!*e-hug*
at the end of the day, marriage is a very serious decision and not all about love.
so if u think married life with X makes more sense. so be it.
i wish u all the luck u need.
let us know wot u decide and we'll be happy for u.
but first u need to let us know wot prompted the 360degree turn from ur last post.
muah*
Sad...buh I am with you all the way dearie...all the way...
regardless of how you feel now...feelings fade and the facades are gone...so its whats underlying through it all that hits the spot...so u made a wise one here....
I hope it turns out good..
first off, lemme jus give u a big hug....***hug***.......
I'll have to concur with aloofar on this one, no advice. But like Iwalewa said, u shd really take time and think things through and like lg says, prayer is the key. just take evrything to God, He will definitely show you the right path to follow.
babe, am totally feeling u on this! like totally. i've been 2ru wot u r going 2ru. in a way, one could say i settled wit MM. i was in love with someone else at d time i met him. even 2 months into our relationship/engagement, i'd still dream abt d other guy. i had 2 consciously make myself blank dat guy & focus on MM, & am so glad i did. MM is way, way better dan my ex. he loves me in d way i pined away 4 my ex 2 love me, & d security of dat is unquantifiable. but, make no mistake, b4 u say yes 2 X if daz wot u've decision, b sure dat u have feelings 4 him. i loved MM, but it was like i loved my ex more (n d beginning). it was my initial love dat was built on, dat grew into something deep & firm now. in a marriage, d 2 partners need 2 love each other, cos u'd see a lot of crap dat would make u want 2 fling d man outta d window.
i'd always tot u were better off with X cos i felt he was more matured dan O. but den, i understood u wanting 2 b wit whom ur heart loves. but know something, a woman's heart flows like a river. it follows a current. am certain my ex is shocked 2day dat i could cut him off my heart & b completely sold out 2 another man, cos mehn i took a lotta nonsense 4 him all cos of love. i think he tot it was just cos MM was offering marriage while he wasn't certain abt it dat made me go 2 MM. maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. all i know is dat today am marrying a man i truly love, a man that loves me & who is excited 2 build a home with me. & daz all dat counts.
besides, i think this concept of 'love' is foreign to us Igbos oh. i remember wen i told my parents abt MM, not one of dem asked me if i loved him. All they wanted to know is, 'is he a good person?' 'is he from a good family (dis has nothing to do wit wealth o)?' & 'do you like him?'. moreover i use my parents marriage as a yarn stick 2 disagreeing dat love doesn't conquer all. my mom married 4 love, but see her now
@fineboy agbero, you made sense well well. Marriage is not all about love but I believe Love has to be the foundation, every other thing follows after that.
@ms.o, thanks babes. I appreciate the comment and the hug:)
@lighty, babes, 360 degree turn? Just been feeling like I need to make a decision and move on to the next level instead of rigmarolling like florida puts it,lol…
@chari, thanks bro. I haven’t made the decision yet, still thinking and praying.
@mizchif, thanks for that warm hug, I needed it. So it’s think and pray for me now.
@flo love, I don’t know how tto say thanks for ur comment babes. Only God will bless you. Thanks for sharing ur experience with me. It is really encouraging and comforting.
“today am marrying a man i truly love, a man that loves me & who is excited 2 build a home with me. & daz all dat counts”
My dear , thinking about it, that is all that really counts!
Sorry about ur mum’s experience but let’s not also forget dear, that there are still peeps who have married for love and who ended up happily too.
odd that what mama wants is what matters.........
mama loves you but she really cant make that decision for u.......
remember what matters most is to marry the dude u know u ALWAYZ wanna wake up beside.....laff with....cry with.....talk with....GROW OLD with.....
there's a lot more to marriage than culture.....region....distance...
@afro.....u never jam.....if u meet yoruba dude/family whey gree u to be yaself nko?i know plenty!!!!
me thinks its about keeping an open mind........
my mama knows when i decide on who i wanna bring home.....all she can do is strectch out her hands and welcome him.......
else i am staying single......whether i am only female child or not....GBAM!!!!!!
as for my age.....she knows berra than to remind me.......
i know what it is........lol
that said.........
jokes no be proposal
a man that wants to make a commitment will.......
odd thing is....just when u think u cant find anyone berra...someone berra strolls in......
i am with Lg......prayer is the key
and u shouldn't have doubts.....IT IS A LIFETIME U ARE SIGNING INTO.......and babe.....mama no go dey dia on the daily....na u and d bobo......
thinks about it!!!!!!!(not a typo...think.....think....think)
Awwwwh sweetheart.
Am, so feeling you on the tribe thing o.
I also have this guy, I have been seeing but the thought of delving into strange waters like you put it also scares me.
all said tho, i think prayers and a lot of thinking will do it. Maybe you need time off all of them like Iwalewa said.
...whatever we have ur back!
CHINEKE!!!!!!!!!!! pls i didnt finish reading d 1st paragraph but i av to say ITS NOT TRUE 1ST DAUGHTER MUST MARRY FROM SAME TRIBE!!!! My sis got married last yr and she married an urhobo man aka delta man. He aint even delta ibo. She and my mom r like glue but she said he was d man dat made her happy n who she will love. My folks r stunch catholics n knights but de had to respect her wishes cos na d 2 both of dem go live togeda. so tink hard, dont go n please family while u rn't happy.
Ok i'm goin to read d rest.
my dear its not cowardice to want to b amongst ur own especially in an institution as delicate n important as marriage...ur not bein bais or tribally prejudice but u 've given d main reason y its better2marry amongst ur own which is tradition n believes its all an integral part of compartibility..there are some tings d igbo might do dat might seem "kini big deal" but to the yorubas its utter disrespect!...follow ur heart girl,u have spoken well,love is a choice!....d igwe has spoken!!!
You don't want to rush into marriage just because momsie says jump and you jump. Afterall, it is you that is going to be alone in that house with the guy you chose and not momsie.
Don't marry for marrying sake, hopefully when the time is right you will know.
Pray that God guides you right. Wish you all the best.
Take good care
love is not a wishy washy, butterflies in your stomach concept as movies would have us believing, thats infactuation.Love is being comfortable with someone, knowing they got your back and you got theirs. Its being in tune with someone,knowing that when all is said and done they want the best for you and you want the best for them.Doll if you call finding and marrying a guy just like X settling........I would definitely settle any given Sunday!!!!!!
No be small tin o!
I was hoping FFF will comment on this post and she did not disappoint.
I am with her 100%
Babes you will be fine, please continue to be prayerful.
Hugs and Much love.
Honey stay strong and reflect on what you really want...it will come to you. X doesn't seem bad at all from your posts.
Marriage is more than just love, there should be security, friendship, partnership, fun,compassion...so many things.
Someone once said to me "be with the man that will be by your side when you have done your worst"
You'll be fine....now where is that smile....:)
my dear dont force it wit x.u either like or u dont. if its o u like then go 4 it. ur mum means ell but she wont sit wit u in ur husbands house
I have an idea, how about you find a Mr Y? :)
first daughter shouldn't go too far from home eh.....
abeg no let my papa hear am o!
@afrobabe- it aint easy, u just have to adapt where u find urself but u ve to be sure it can be done and the family will be of help
If O hasnt said anything, it's a possibility that he never will. So it might be wise to keep walking
But it doesnt sound like your into X. Babes, maybe you should take some time off. Dont rush into a marriage you will rush out off...
oh no...
im so sorry...life sucks sometimes...just think of this, what IF ur love for X doesnt get rekindled?? do u wanna spend the rest of ur life wit without all that passion n whatnot?
all the best luv...
@everyone, thanks for all the comments/opinions. You guys are the bestest ever.
You made it all look easier.
I love you all.
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