The talk with B.G

Okay so I said I was going to give you all the gist of how it went with B.G and me.
Here goes…

We went out on that Easter Monday. Had lunch at some nice place and talked a little over lunch about matters generally…nothing about us as in our relationship and all. It was as if we were both scared of bringing it up and one was waiting for the other to do so. I didn’t want to spoil the lunch so I didn’t broach the topic.

Later on, on our homeward drive. I thought it was time so I blurted:
“You know we have been drifting apart these past few weeks?”
It sounded more like a statement than a question.
He turned to look at me and nodded, “Yea…and I don’t like it”
He went on to tell me how he wanted things to get better with us and how he felt it was time to take our relationship to the next level-marriage.
Whoops! I felt really awful. Here I was preparing to break it off with him while he was making plans to propose…it just didn’t feel right!
I didn’t know what to say and after thinking about the situation for a while, I had to ask him this question:
“If you are in a relationship with one person and having deep feelings for another, do you really love the person you are dating?”
He didn’t need a soothsayer to spell out the direction I was headed. He had this very sad look in his eyes as he asked “So what you are saying is that you have deep feelings for some other guy?”
I didn’t answer but my silence confirmed the question.

Anyway, not to bore you with the details, I had to tell him about O and how I felt about him. He was broken. I couldn’t help but feel terrible and guilty. I never want to feel that way ever again. I think I learnt a lesson with B.G- never again will I start a relationship with a guy who am not sure of my feelings for.
I must give it to him though, he acted very gentlemanly about every thing even saying that since he claimed to love me, he should be more concerned about my happiness and if I found this with someone else, who was he to come between me and my happiness. I could tell he was trying terribly hard to sound casual about it but it was killing him inside and it didn’t help the way I felt.

I almost toldl him I was sorry about what I said earlier and didn’t mean any of it but I knew that would be like the biggest lie and I would just be saying it just to take back the pain I was causing him and would it really help matters at the long run? It wouldn’t...so I held back.

The truth is that even if O had not arrived on the scene. The breakup was something that was bound to happen. I had long realized that I wasn’t in love and was just hanging in the relationship because first I didn’t want to hurt B.G and secondly I thought maybe I wasn’t destined to feel that rush(you know the one you feel when you are really into someone) again and maybe i was just being childish thinking I had to feel it before I take the plunge into marriage. Well, all that doubts subsided when I met O. He made me realize (not intentionally) that I could marry B.G or K or any of the guys asking for my hand and later on in the marriage meet some guy that I feel something more for and then realize that I had made the biggest mistake of my life going into the marriage. or even worse, I may begin to resent the husband I married because I’ll feel trapped in the marriage or something. Understand me guys?

So that was how our date ended. He feeling disappointed and hurt and me feeling horrible and guilty.

It’s been a week now since then and I have called him a couple of times just to see how he is doing. He is taking it really badly…he feels I betrayed him. I also feel horrible and I wonder if this thing with O is really worth all the heart ache and stress I’m causing B.G.

What do you think peeps?