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Thursday, January 15, 2009

REWIND

I logged into my blog this morning to find a whole lot of comments.

Thanks peeps. I know you all got my back but somehow it seems as if my last post generated a lot of furore.
Apparently ‘Submission’ is a very controversial/sensitive issue for many people/couples.
After reading all your opinions, I think its only fair to voice out exactly what I feel about a woman submitting to her husband/boyfriend in a relationship.
I believe it’s not just plain this & that or black and white.
One has to apply a lot of wisdom and caution to matters of the heart. I also agree with princesa that there can’t be two captains in a ship. One person has to defer to the other.


The bible tells us that it’s the woman’s duty to defer to her husband but who says a woman can’t steer the ship for, instance? Some times a man out of LOVE can decide to let his wife/girlfriend’s decision prevail. It doesn’t mean he has let go of his position as the head of the home. It only means that he is mature enough to know that they are in the ship together and have equal stakes as individuals.
I think it all boils down to the big word-LOVE. If a man loves his wife thoroughly, submission won’t be an issue cos it will come naturally to the woman. It’s simple!

That's just my opinion. Feel free to disagree. Check out this blog too. She has something interesting to say on the issue of submission between couples.

FFF, you wanted to write about this issue too. Go ahead dear as long as no names are mentioned.

Moving on, I want to apologise for just hitting you guys with that previous post without giving you some background gist first which was why Laughter was asking if I was the one who initiated the meeting with O’s mum.

Anyway, I have decided to put up this post that I had typed before the last one. I wasn’t able to post it then and somehow, events just overtook each other.

I must warn you tho, it’s in my usual fashion, very looooong! lol…You might want to grab some popcorn and coke first ;) Oh well, just read on.

I look forward to reading ur comments meanwhile I’ll be at ur spots sooner that you know…
Kisses…

THE POST THAT SHOULD HAVE COME BEFORE


Hey guys!
I’m sorry if it seemed as if I had gone AWOL on you all.
First of all, let me say a very big Happy New year to everyone.
HhhhaaaappppyyyyyyNnnneewwwyyyeeeaaarrrr!!!!!
Hmmmmmphhh…*catching back my breath*
May 2009 be a year of fulfillment for all of us, Amen.

A lot’s been happening to me just that I haven’t had time to blog for a while. Been busy rounding up 2008, work and all…

Now I have a lil’ bit time, I guess I’ll just update you all on the happenings.

No I haven’t found a new love yet although there have been prospects just that they weren’t my type.

One of them was a cousin of a friend who is based in the U.S but returned to the country for the Xmas hols. I had gone to visit this friend on Xmas day, okay it was more like I had gone to eat Xmas rice at her place,lol…I hadn’t bothered to cook cos I was home alone(everyone had traveled to the Village for Xmas) and my friend had invited me to have lunch at hers so off I went.
Got there, ate and was busy chatting with her when this cousin of hers walked into the sitting room.
Her younger sister exclaimed:
“Aha! Aphro, have you met my fine cousin?”
I turned to look at the new comer.
He was fine all right but not my type of fine. For one, he was too light and looked like he used bleaching creams. That was number one minus. I didn’t want to be dragging cream in the house with my man,lol…don’t mind me ;)

I passed by him in the hallway as I was leaving their house and said goodbye but dude pulled me back and started asking for my details(name & number). I didn’t like the way he went about it but I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of my friend so I acquiesced and gave him the info he sought. His approach was number 2 minus for him tho.

Now, he is back in the U.S and has called me twice already but I don’t see any potential hook-up with him sha.

Maybe I’m still hung on O.
Scratch that, I am still hung up on him.
Yea, I know some of you might want to give me a slap right now,lol….
But the truth is that I still love him too much for my own good.
The temptation to call him has been really strong since this new year especially after my visit to Uncle E’s place on the 1st.

I had gone to visit Uncle E after I saw him at a family function and he had insisted I come by. He was alone with his wife at home when I went. All his kids were grown up now and were either married or on their own.

We had a nice time, gisting and all…Uncle E had always been fun to hang with. He has this very youthful disposition to life and always refers to himself as a ‘small boy’,lol…
His wife is also very warm so I was enjoying my time with them until talk about ‘O’ came up.
Remember his wife is O’s aunt. Refer to this post here.

So somehow the talk drifted to O. I think it was when uncle started complaining about his youngest son who worked in a bank and how he never had time for himself cos he was always working. He had even worked on Xmas day!
Then he said “It’s the same thing O’s mum is complaining about him. He is always working even on weekends, It’s too bad what these banks are doing to our young ones”

I agreed with him but also remarked that in O’s case, I seriously doubt if it was only the bank job that was keeping him busy.

Uncle laughed and retorted “What else then? Okay and you too!” His wife joined in the laughter. I had to defend myself. “Me? Noooo! He hardly even has time for me. In fact to tell you guys the truth we are no more together”

Of course, they were curious to know the whole story so I had to tell them. His aunt(uncle E’s wife) kept insisting that there was no other girl and it was his work at the bank that was keeping him always busy. Uncle was of the opinion that he wouldn’t vouch for him cos he was a young man and anything was possible.

Uncle E’s wife also mentioned that she had spoken to him a few days back and enquired about me. According to her he didn’t say anything to suggest that we had broken up. I only replied that maybe he didn’t want them to know.

They however said they were going to call him to hear his own side of the matter despite my insisting that it wasn’t necessary and I didn’t want him (O) to feel as if I came to report to them so that they could talk to him.

Later that same evening, when I was at home. Guess who called?
O’s mum.
She had called to wish me a happy new year and then she asked the question again:
“What is happening, why haven’t we been seeing you?”
I tried to dodge the question by saying it was nothing.
Then she said “I want to see you. Can you come by the house sometime?”
I answered “Okay ma

I have been thinking whether to go see her or not. Maybe Uncle E’s wife had talked to her. I don’t want O to start feeling important or anything like that. His ego is already big enough but I also don’t want to appear disrespectful to O’s mum.

What do u guys think?




More gist...


Ehen…O and I had a long midnight conversation last night.
It all started with a text he sent that read thus:


“I’m listening to your boy Chris Brown singing our song-‘With you’ and am hearing the song in your voice. Why did you change and plunge us into this state of existence? Why Aphro?”

I didn’t quite understand him so I sent a reply:
“Me, plunge us into this state? It was you who decided you had had enough of the relationship and stayed away. I only left you alone to lick my wounds in private. Am not surprised tho, it’s always my fault when things go wrong”

He replied:
“Nne m, its not like that. I have my faults too. U just don’t strike me as making enough effort to meet me halfway on issues. If I didn’t come to you, why didn’t you attempt to come to me?”

My reply:
U talk about meeting you halfway when you didn’t even take a step? Maybe am old fashioned but I still believe a man should make the first move and the woman will follow”

Him:
“Remember when u would come see me on ur way out of the office. I always felt so happy seeing you. Was that old fashioned?

Me:
"That should tell you, I would do much more only if I felt that u cared for me. I stopped coming when I stopped feeling loved. U stopped caring and treated me like trash”

He:
“It would be a Herculean task to stop caring about you, if not impossible”

I was tired of the back and forth texting so I called him. It was midnight and already ‘Free calls time’.
We talked for quite some time. Mostly about how we ended up where we were. For him, it was our regular quarrels over silly stuffs that made him stay away. I still held my opinion that if he loved me he wouldn’t give up on the relationship but try to work things out.
I cant really recall all we talked about that night but I remember getting pissed at some things he said. Like when he said:


“Aphro, if we come back together, I’m going to have to be hard on you. I think I spoilt you and let you get away with some things. You are stubborn and I admit, I am too but we can’t keep struggling for supremacy in this relationship. It’s not possible”

I wanted to take him up on that statement but realized that things were still delicate at that point and I didn’t want to worsen the situation so I pretended I didn’t hear him.

We didn’t come to any conclusion that night cos his phone battery went dead and we couldn’t continue talking.

That was two days before the meeting at his mother’s.

Now, I don’t really know what the situation is…if we are back together or not.
We’ve been communicating but there is still a lot of underlying issues that we need to thrash.
A guy pal said to me yesterday:


“Aphro, you really love this guy so you just need to accept him the way he is and learn how to follow him so you guys won’t be having any more quarrels”

I agree I love him but does this mean I have to sentence myself to a life of unhappiness?



I deserve to be loved the way I want. I deserve it!

33 comments:

Flourishing Florida said...

am first again! Lawd!ami stalking ur blog,or am i just plain jobless (which i am, btw)

Flourishing Florida said...

i am very stuborn myself & has a very strong personality. however, in my relationship wit my husband (even b4 we eventually married), i decided i was going to take d backseat just a little. fortunately 4 me, he decided he didn't want me back there. he wanted me forefront n d relationship, having a lot more say on things dan i'd experienced n other relationships.

what am saying in other words, is dat a woman should b attention 2 know wen to 'cease fire'. if u r convinced O loves u as much as u love him, & u genuinely believe dat being 'submissive' 2 him will work d magic, (a win-win situation 4 both of u) den pls by all means go wit ur gut feelings. one thing am totally going to say is dat u two should learn how to build ur relationship. all these quarrels is dramatic & sometimes entertaining, but if u did an audit on d relationship 6 months 4rm now & can't honestly tell urself dat there's been remarkable improvement, den u need to rethink ur method. u catch more insects with sugar dan vinegar afterall.

Padosh said...

2nd brb off to read!!!

Smaragd said...

happy new year Aphro, long time.

I see O is still not my favorite guy...lol

I guess even I have to just be quiet here and learn here cuz I am quite heady/stubborn.

thanx FFF

Nigerian Drama Queen said...

I agree with you, a woman should submit to her husband. At the same time, she should be a co-pilot, not a passenger on his plane ride!
And I completely agree: you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved!
Happy New Year!

Tigeress said...

Aphro babie! lol! Look the way i see it, you've already made up your mind about Mr. O. You obviously feel he's the one for you and probably the best person for you. True, there cant be two bosses in a relationship, so if you've realized and believe the reason why it wasnt working was becos of you- you not being submissive to ur bf- then start being submissive has his mother has adviced, abi? And lets see how things go for from there.

Keep us posted!

Ms Sula said...

Like I said in my previous post, you will do what you want to do anyways.

So do it. But don't complain later that the "man has changed" because you would have known everything going into this relationship.

Obviously you are the one who cares the most about your relationship. Pray that it changes to your advantage but know that it might not.

All in all, we are all adults and we should be responsible for our actions. You're going into it with your eyes clear so you should know what to expect.

Good Luck!

Tigeress said...

Babes, i thot u'd find this blog interesting. http://genderandme.blogspot.com/2009/01/examining-negative-quotations-that.html

QMoney said...

@FFF,i think we are saying the same thing jooo.for u to have decided to take a backseat means u were ready to "comply" aka "submit".
even if it wasnt typically u,u did it to make it work.
a woman shd be attn to know wen to ceasefire is aka submission too jooo.
y does ur comment from previous post sound different cos am with you allllll the way here.
If Aphro my friend is convinced O loves her then y not???
@NDQ self talk true,infact @tigerress and Ms Sula don talk d remaiing thing wey dey my mind.
wetin i wan yarn now oooooh??

QMoney said...

Nne,as the post long reach,i read it in no time!!lemme reply ur yarns from d previous post since its a continuation of this one anyway.

- In all fairness to O, he wasnt the one that allowed Mummy hear the gist,it was U,knowingly or Unknowingly so dat clears him
- If he truly cares for u like u claim then my dear,u have to prove u care too by bending a little as well,lemme confess a secret to u,i am not xactly what i preach.i know the right thing to do is be submissive but i dont take d backseat atimes,there have been times we were arguing and my brain is telling me to sharrap and i dont care and still "talk my own".i acknowledge it is not easy for we stubborn people but it is achievable if u put ur mind to it and pray about it and really its d right thing to do.i console myself at times when things like dat happen that we arent married so its not his right but saturday way go good,we go don dey see signs on friday
He seems like he wants it to work but u arent meeting his "demands",u self want it to work but he isnt meeting ur demands.
Sit down togeda and agree on do's and donts.Stick to urs,and lets see if he sticks to his.
If he says,i'd like u to "Respect" me as d man,dont go about arguin on why man and woman are equal,u self talk ur own.e.g i would like u to be more sensitive to my feelings e.t.c

Btw,I am still waiting for that pastor woman conclusion oh,how far now?we know hear anything again

QMoney said...

i jus remembered i dint comment abt friend's cousin.
lol at his approach.
he wants to hook up and he has called only 2ice??

***i salute u for not taking O up on his "hard on u.........",i for no vex if twas true but he dint spoil u joooo,wat did u get away with?
but he is right,a man and a woman CANT struggle for supremacy oh.either ur man doesnt mind u been supreme or he minds and u have to take d backseat.
UR pal adviced u well but why would that interpret to life of unhappiness??
Hope dis analogy "werks" - Carryin a pregnancy is the job of a woman,it is NOT fun,it is painful,but it still remains the job of a woman.one has to find fun in it thought its jus 9months sha ooh but raining a child is stressful too self..i digress
Taking the backseat,avoiding frequent confrontations,knowing when to ceasefire,knowing when and how not to make a man feel very foolish,knowing when not to be outright derogatory is not all that fun but its d job of a woman.

A life of unhappiness???NO WAAAAAAAAY!!!!!that is not an option abeg.we shd only be able to predict happiness and joy unspeakable now.
Qmoney,go home!!!!!lol

Aphrodite said...

@FFF, jobless? I thot u just started a new job?
I'm glad you agree that sometimes its necessary to take the back seat babes.

@padosh, okay

@smaragd,long time dearie.

@NDQ, thanks babes

@tigeress babie,lol...
Have i made up my mind already? Hmmm..am surprised cos i dont think so,
well u guys are my readers so maybe u can tell something i cant:)

@ms sula, thanks for telling me the truth babes.

@tigeress, thanks babes.

Aphrodite said...

@Qmoney,lol....
You know what babes?
We need to continue this convo in camera.
I appreciate all ur comments.
Thanks plenty plenty!

doll (retired blogger) said...

Am sure u know in ur heart if he is worth ur time this 2009..and am sure u will also do what is in ur heart regardless of what anybody say…I am sure cuz iv been in dis situation before….so…happy new year once again

LovePaprika said...

first: WHAT A LONG READ!!!
second: Are we twins???? cos u are living my life o! I don't know if i am back with my man as well...his mom tells me to come over anytime she is around! and i dont think she realises it is her son im dating oh! lol not her!

third: pls I love my man so much but i dont want to be unhappy...so i'll read the comments on this post lol cos i dont have strength like you to type out my story lol

xx

Zayzee said...

we all have a streak of stubborness in us. submission must meet respect. how do i submit to a guy who doesnt respect me as a woman, or how he treats my emotions.

but then, i hope this will be a new chapter for u guys to right the wrongs. i don tire to dey anti anybody. i just want aphro to have her man and be happy. ok?

Zayzee said...

we all have a streak of stubborness in us. submission must meet respect. how do i submit to a guy who doesnt respect me as a woman, or how he treats my emotions.

but then, i hope this will be a new chapter for u guys to right the wrongs. i don tire to dey anti anybody. i just want aphro to have her man and be happy. ok?

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

It seems the people around you
your aunt uncle o's mum
want you to be with O more than he seems to want to be with you
and it seems you are determined to be with him at all costs
if that what makes you happy
then be submissive all the way to the altar

Anonymous said...

ok I have a comment...
Hmmmm We all probably submit one way or the other in a relationship, but I know I would rather be tied down and dragged to admit or even want to SUBMIT to a man. I think you should be Gentle and Kind to him and you shoould definetely expect the same from him. Ca c'est ca. Err its great that his family likes you. Me thinks the problem is that YOU both arent being very kind to each other...on the other hand what the hell do I know. Goodluck o jare...relationships are so freaking HARD...so I will not had my own nonsense to it.

Flourishing Florida said...

@ q.money: hehehehehehehhe. abeg, let me clarify myself b4 u accuse me of contradicting myself. First, i made it quite plain n my comment of d previous post dat i didn't have anything against submitting (2 one's husband). my issue was with d word 'submission', cos it was being used by dudes to put women down. like it was a summarty of their worthyness. this i am opposed to.

secondly, i do not see how any woman should be submissive to her boyfriend. am sorry, but it just doesn't make sense 2 me. where as it's d boyfriend dat demanded submission,hmmm. i've been known to shoot pple 4 dat. lol. of course not, but it drives to nuts to think dat something like dat should happen.

if a woman is married or engaged, however, well daz a different ball game (even d engaged sef get limit, cos we know not all engagement follow 2ru). in all, weda dating, engaged or married, i do not subscribe to any man DEMANDING submission. it's in d rights & privileges of a wise woman 2 decide 4 herself 'hey, am being too hard on dis man. let me ease it off a bit'. my emphasis is on respect & courtesy. female emancipationi does not mean dat women have now earned d right to be rude or brash. we do not gain freedom to speak our minds by becoming prisoners to bad manners. in other words, we all (male & female) should do everything 'within reason' to insure the success of our relationships, be it dating, engagement or marriage. most times, it's as simple as the right attitude.

nne, do u now see dat i'd be saying d same thing all along?

Flourishing Florida said...

@ q.money: "avoiding frequent confrontations,knowing when to ceasefire,knowing when and how not to make a man feel very foolish,knowing when not to be outright derogatory is not all that fun but its d job of a woman." i have to completely disagree with u here. none of these is d job of a woman. it's d job of both parties involved n a relationship. btw, by d time a woman does all these, what then does d man do 2 get d relationship going? petting her? believe me, love, if a woman is disrespected, she is not going to care for being petted much longer.

Laughter said...

Hmnnn Aphro, honestly at this moment am at a cross road because there is nothing anyone can say as your mind is made up but you guys can sit down together and work it out. Like i said previously if it is O you want then i will be happy for you but right now am seriously short of words. I shall return after pondering over this one.

QMoney said...

!Aphro, q.money@ymail.com.expecting our camera yarns
@FFF,we are saying the same thing then except that u say "all d "compliance" thingy shd be done for the husband,i say "its okay to be done to the boyfy"
then as for the 2nd part,u are right its a man AND a woman's job,wen a man does it,it is called LOVE,wen a woman does it,its called "submission"
its just different terms really....
May we all meet the bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh,that way love and submission shouldnt be as tough as its beginning to look here
have a nice weekend people

Anonymous said...

Hmmm.....

LIL WOMAN said...

I just started following your blog. i love ur honesty. In my opinion, u should bend a lil for him but don't let him walk all over you. You have a right to be in control sometimes too cos the relationship is supposed to serve not just him but both of u. Do whatever makes you happy girl. But if your relationship is bringing more pain than joy irrespective of what you do to make it work, then i think you should reconsider. Your happiness is important.

Anonymous said...

I am looking for people to follow my block. Since yours is kinda love themed maybe you can help spread the word ad comment. My wife's been cheating on me and I discovered 6 days ago

mizchif said...

Goodluck dear!

Buttercup said...

Aww..u really do love him, dont u? Im just worried that if u get back together, it'll be back to square one..but then again, life is all about risks..u want to be happy and loved and it seems like its O u want to do the job..if u guys can talk n resolve ur issues, who r we to stop u? Just be happy!

Happy new year sweetie..mwah!

O'Dee said...

1. Happy new year dear
2. Sorry I havent been here in ages, I forgot to include your blog in my blog roll, when I changed the template.

I think your friend ment, since you love this guy, stop going back and forth. Cos somehow it seems you'll always love him. So instead of wasting time breaking-up, find a way to work out your issues.

For some reason i understand this, cos i am married. Even if my husband starts annoying me now, I have to find a way to get past it, cos we cant break-up.

Chris Ogunlowo said...

This is a long one. Take am easy o!

LG said...

asam pete' how far?? hope all is well o, just checkin on u

Aphrodite said...

@everyone thanks for being there...

ManCee said...

My 2 cents:
Aphro- been Reading your 'O' saga from the past and you've proven one of 'Our' research findings ;
"women much more often than not, DO NOT dig the guy who pines after them but would -consciously or unconsciously- want to die for the one who sends them not."
Else, WHAT DA #@$* ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SUCKER??!!!
nb: marriage shouldn't be a do/die thingy o...ease up. You fit dey sound like 'Desperado' o and that can make a guy feel like he's doing U a favor by being with U.
remember-IT IS UR RIGHT TO BE LOVED SILLY