So his mum called us for a meeting last Sunday.
Just me, him and her.
And she pointed out where we had both gone wrong
So we both said “I’m sorry” to each other
And promised to put the past behind us.
Obviously she loves me and wants me for a daughter-in-law
But her son’s got to love me too, innit?
She played all those childish games:
“Oya Aphro, go and sit on his laps…” “O, you go and hug her…”
And even though I found it all funny
The bitter taste of rejection and hurt lingers on in my mouth.
It’s not as easy as she made it seem
We still got a lot of issues to resolve
Like our silly quarrels over nothing
He also gave a condition…
“We can't both be captains in this relationship, Aphro. You’ve got to be the woman and let me be the man”
His mum concurred “My dear, you have to be submissive. I was too to my husband and he loved me until his death”
I agree, a woman should be submissive but do I have to lose my sense of self.
Do I have to agree to all he says even when I don’t feel like?
Can’t I even voice my own views without him thinking am trying to dominate him?
I have always had a strong personality…never been the meek type.
Why do I have to be someone else now?
I always thought, love should accept you the way you are and not try to change you.
It’s up to you, he said.
Comply or Forget me.
HAPPY NEW YEAR MY DARLINGS!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
To comply or not...
Posted by Aphrodite at 2:02 AM
Labels: Choices, Comply, Making up, Mixed Feelings, Mother-in-law, New year, O
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46 comments:
hmmmm
& guess what? am first
again, i say hmmm. one thing 4 sure i foresee here, babe,is dat if u married man u'd be just as equally married to d mother. expect to b reported 2 d woman wen u r not submissive enough, & also expect a lecture how she won her husband's heart. all am saying is dis if ur future mother-in-law starts reconciling u guys now, wen is it going to stop? marriage is between two pple, u need to find a way to work things out strictly between u pple.
i've tried to understand exactly what it means to be submissive, and it doesnt mean losing your sense of self; just making room in your individuality for him, and for you two to become an 'us'.
it's in the little things... for example. feel free to let him kno u disagree with something, but don't push it till tempers get involved. say 'you know i'd rather u didnt' as opposed to 'honey, that's just dumb!!'
baby steps...
even though i think his 'conform or we're un-formed' ultimatum was extreme. he needs to be patient as well, despite the ego that is his male curse. it also says 'love your wife' where it says 'wives be submissive', and love includes patience, kindness, lack of selfishness, not being easily angered, not delighting with wrong, not being jealous... etc.
overall though, try not to see submission as submersion of self, but as compromise. you dont have to change, just make room for him in your strong will.
hope this helps.
good luck!
:)
I dont know
it doesnt sound like the submission is the actual issue..
Even it it was..a relationship is about two people..neither person can have what they want all the time..
But at the end of the day-u need to decide if u can live with the ultimatum hanging over ur head forever..
xxx
I waited sooo long for this post.... na wa for you o! you just went MIA.
Anyway.. i'm the last person who should give relationship advice.... i do know that sometimes you just have to follow your heart... forget his mum sha.. she doesnt have the power to resolve you guys issues, that is between the two of you.. sit together and discuss what you want.. tell him how he hurt you and tell him to tell you the truth..... what does he really want?
Hmmmm...
Everyone has made some sense.
I loved Geisha's comment best tho.
In relationships, there can't be two captains. It never works. One person has to 'mellow' for the other at times.However it doesnt always have to be one person always doing the 'mellowing'.
Then again, my mum has taught me that there are ways of letting the man think he is control while its actually you steering the ship. Massage his ego!
If that is the only cause of your problems/quarrels then you can overcome it. That is as long as there is no other woman involved!
Good luck darling!
ok, dis is me strictly speaking myself: i never did well being made to bend. i dated so many guys who tot i was too feminist 4 dem, too 'unafrican' 4 dem. i ddnt represent d sort of female dat wouldn't 'submit'. i hadno problems with submiting, i just had HUGE problems with their understanding of submission. there r very few women i know who won't defer to their men, very few. it all depends on whether d man truly sees d woman as deferring 2 him. so, if i see a man hammering on me being submission, it screams to me slavery! someone should read standtall's latest post. so many modern men think like dat. they just disguise it better. any man who uses dat word 'submission' on me, has just majorly ticked me off!!!!!! as my pastor just to say "until a man has totally loved his wife completely, he has no right to demand submission from her. AND LET IT BE KNOWN NOW THAT FLORIDA UZOARU SAYS THAT A WOMAN IS ONLY TO SUBMIT TO HER HUSBAND, AND NOT TO HER GOD-DARN BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello stranger! Happy new year!
My dear, are we still talking about the same bobo? Look even if his momsie is in love with and feels u're the best thing since slice bread- it doesnt mean jack- HE HAS to feel that way. Momsie telling u how to be a good wife to his son- desnt really sit well with me.
Aphrodite- if a guy wants to be with you- you will know! nothing cloudy there.
fff took d woeds out of my mouth, no man shld demand submission if he doesnt love u completely, and if u love him absolutely, submission wouldnt b an issue. but, you shld be submitting 2 a husband nt a bf!
i hate it when men use dat as an excuse ; cos i dont allow u to manipulate me doesnt mean im not submissive, it just means im not stupid!
plus, who got his mother involved in the matter? prepare 2 b having these lil family meetings (where nobody cares about ur views, just his) when u guys marry.
i hate it again when a man impregnates another woman, and then calls this kinda meeting. then they tell u; sit on his laps, he's ur husband, u have to forgive him... f#@$%!
sorry my comment is a rant!
Hmmmm,
Happy new year to you. I read comments like "forget her mum sha". Well I am just contributing o, not imposing as a man. So my one tip is this, love the mum (even if it means you will pretend until it becomes normal) then you know, you have an ally for life.And you know men and their mothers.
As for us men, well wifey is quite a confident beautiful woman, and quite bright as well.And she knows how to make me glow and then, bang, her request gets in.
Guess what, she has never failed and we are still together after ....years.
The truth is men may openly profess that they love confident women, but secretly confess to their mates otherwise.
Be confident, but why impose it.
Iron lady Margaret Thatcher once said that a "a lady does not need to announce she is a lady".
Enough said for now.
Why not check out wifey and myself at http://babajidesalu.wordpress.com
Hmmm I think first n foremost before this whole submission or compromise or wateva..we need to check how does O feel about you!
His mum seems to be loving you more than the person who really matters....
OOOOh btw Happy New year hon and missed ya!!
na wah o....this na fire brigade approach o....pls dont loose ur sense of self o and also be submissive....whc equates find a midpoint...my ex too said same abt me....he was even saying tht if we come back together he will be different with me....harder...tht he allowed me get away with a lot of things......like i told him i wana come back..nonsense!.
finally,u know i jus felt drawn to u today.i shoulda known u were goin to update.
i dont even know wat to say.all d best in watever u decide.
@FFF & bumight,
Valid points o!
But just wondering, how is aphro going to prove to her man that she'll submit as a wife if she cant submit in the relationship?
Happy new year babes...
@ princesa: if any woman needs to prove to her man dat she'd make a submissive wife, then dat woman has no business with d man. no business whatsoever!!!! getting married is not a job interview, where d interviewers sit on d high end of d end & asks u 'give us one good reason why we should employ u'. it's abt a man & a woman seeing the good in each other, despite all their flaws & thinking 'i can work with this'. cos d fact is, u r going to see a lot of thing in ur spouse dat u r not going to like. & some of them will NEVER change. therefore, a man who cannot learn to accept u & work around ur flaws cannot love u. u r going to do everything to submit to dat man, but u r going to be d most miserable woman on earth!
@ jidesalu's diary: those friends of us that don't want confident women, tell them someone says they should suck it. cos guess what, confident women don't like them either!
@ aphrodite: pls, am so fired up about this subject, that am asking your permission to use the materials here to write about it. I shall not mention names, & whatever opinions expressed in my article is strictly mine and will not be disrespect towards you. Hope that's ok.
Aphro, Aphro, hmnnn o ga o, i think am just lost for words, i have questions o.
Has his mum met your people and have any member of your family met his too?
girl, i don't know what to say because it is not his mother that would live with you o, it is him and this is not the way for a man that professes love to act. You need to look within yourself and i hope it was not you calling his mum hence the boyf/girlf meeting with his family, i cannot call it a family meeting because bobo never show sign of that but the ball lies in your court. If you say na O you like then we will like him for you but i can not get over the fact that you either accept or 4get him, it is now in your hands.
All will be well.
happy new year girl! do whatever ur heart tells u at this point!
Happy new year hun xx
hapinuye nne'
no worry na ur year be dis
Hmmmm that word submission makes me a little uncomfortable since as he is still your boyfriend and not your husband. Its really great that his Moms like you since you now have family insurance but you are going to have to live with the Man and not his Mother. Make sure that he loves you completely and that this isnt his Mom trying to force a non-issue. By then again what do I know...
At d risk of soundin like a broken record (and i knw dat is cliched), forget him!!!
Haba, na by force to marrry dis boy? (not man o) And wat's d mum's intrusion in dis palava? when u come marry am nko? na she go settle matter of raising the toilet seat?
save urself d pain of regret jare... life's too short for all this dictatorship!
comply ko, comply ni!
I will definitely go with FFF and say Hmmmmm.
I guess, Hun, you do what you want. But that's definitely a hmmmm.
I believe a woman needs to be submissive...hence I am seriously trying not to yell at them and tell them how stupid they are..
If u really love him then give him what he wants...
Hmmm, a tough one. While i will not advocate trying to 'make' people's relationships work by cajoling; i agree a lady should be submissive.
Hold it. Submissive not to mean loss of identity, goals or personality but, to mean a woman of character and goals.
HAPPY NEW YEAR luv!
Missed you plenty , plenty!
happy new year girl. I pray u find happiness. lots of it in this new year, and also God will deliver your man, into your hands.
Ok..back for a proper comment
Honey i was once told " start as you mean to continue". Ask your self why a man needs you to be submissive to him for his happiness or peace of mind or whatever it is he is gaining from it. I am not even going to bring the mother into this conversation...this is between you and him.
Marriage is a partnership...he expects you to be by his side ( not behind or in front) and vice versa for better or worse
I know african tradition mixed with religion and all the other social requirements will beg to differ...but this is your relationship and life.
Say one day...you are not in the mood to be obedient and passive? you want to voice your opinion? Infact you can't even contain yourself because you feel you need to get those things off your chest? Where do you draw the line?..what happens then?...think about it.
Anyway..goodluck and all. Hope things work out for the best. They always do xx
Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold it.lol
i am lost between the post and the comments.goodness
@FFF,i didn't really get your message on the submission part eventually.did u really say a woman should NOT be submissive to her boyfriend(yes,i said boyfy not husband) or the boyfy shouldnt ask her to be???can we also say a man shouldnt pamper the girlfriend,lets wait for them to marry to see if he will truly pamper her seeing she is not the wife??or he should show love before she is submissive??am lost so am asking innocent questions please
As for mums interfering,i agree with you.i think its danger ZONE too,Nne,Biko,its waay to early for that.no 3rd parties pleaaase.thank You
Now as for my opinion,I think a woman should be submissive to her boyfy, jus like a man should do right by her odawise what is the essence of courtship?i know for certain it is in the bible to be submissve and in counselling lessons u are told to agree with him at the moment of argument if it gets too hot even if u think i are right,it might sound crazy but it works and that is the place of a woman!!!!!
I think what we should do is define submissiveness properly(geisha did a fantastic job already)i have a very very very strong personality but i agree with her.if tempers are rising,its in d woman's place to shut up.yup,i said shaaaaaarap!
I also agree with princesca,massage his ego,let him think he's moving his head while u remain the neck actually turning d head.Jus like jidesalu also said,make him glow then come in sweetly,with ur request,it works oh.be a confident woman but dont impose it on ur man.
and really we like it or not,we admit it or we dont.it is a man's world especially in this Africa!!!
Please dont get me wrong,i know we are all equal in the eyes of God and are truly equal but there is something called authority,there is something called leadership and in a marriage,a man has been given the job of been in charge,a woman's role is to support.
At dis juntion,i would like to hear from u Aphro,please 4get all d discussion with the mum(she luvs u so no worried from her)u must really be confused.does O actually like u??(u have said he doesnt severally,dunno y i asked dat self) but do u think if u become submissive,he will change?do u think u can live with him for 6months without pulling ur hair out?can u love him,be submissive(princesca's definition) to him.
Okay,qmoney.........sharraaaap.u have written enough.lol
@ q.money: my dear, let me once again emphasize that i speak only for myself oh, not for anyone else. those were the rules with which i lived my life. it didn't agree with everybody, but it worked fine for me. one thing i know 4 sure is that i ddnt submit to any boyfriend. i was brought up 2 clearly distinguish between a boyfriend & a husband; to invest in a husband, not a boyfriend.
that didn't mean i didn't try my possible best to be a good girlfriend, within what i considered reasonable expectations. because, as far as i was concerned, there were strict limits 2 how much say a boyfriend had n my life. & if they did say anything, it was to be well understood that those were only suggestions. i may buy it, i may not. there were a lot of men who had issues with that, & my reply to them was "i don't tell u what to do, do i?". hence, they screamed dat i was unafrican. but i don't care to be 'african'.
thank God that my husband doesn't care for that word 'submission' either. yesterday, i even asked him to rate my 'submissiveness' & he told me that if he should ever to get 2 d stage in life where he starts measuring that, then it means his love for me was waning. does that mean i don't submit to him? NO. we just don't make it an issue. i love my husband, so naturally i try to make him happy by respecting him.
i earnestly wish there r more men who would stop hammering on weda dir women were being submissive or not, instead focus more of loving their wives unconditionally.
I agree with Shona, Tigeress, and FFF. If 'love' requires so much strenious effort is it worth it?
Hard as it is to accept i think you might be the only one 'blinded by cupid' in this relationship.
i have waited forever for an update from u!..
happy new year to u too!
a little compliance goes a long way.. u wudnt even know when u star getting ur own way without u forcing it.
goodluck to u too.. am guessing we still r talking bout o.. right?
Wow! THis has definitely generated a furore.
FFF, I so agree with you. Why should a woman be submissive to a darned boyfriend? Who the F is he to demand submission from a girl he is not married to or whom he could leave in the lurch some days later? I also respect the way you differentiated between investments on a boyfriend and investments on a husband. Some people know they'd never get married, yet they date for whatever reasons. Why then should the woman be submissive to a man in such a relationship? A boyfriend says you can't go out and that is it? He says you can't make certain friends and that is it? He says you can't read certain books and that is it? A mere boyfriend? NO damned way! Anyone who wants you to lose your identity to him does not love you for who you are. He wants someone else, so let him go find that person!
In my past relationships, I have never demanded a woman to be submissive to me. Of what use? Do I want a mumu for a wife who cannot voice her concerns? DO I want a woman who cannot advise me because I demand she "shaaaarap?" No way. If I can't have objective logical conversations with my wife on issues, then I'm lost. Like someone said earlier, "a woman is a guide." A man who demands total submission from his wife loses that guidance.
That said, I think it is all a case of mutual respect. Spouses should love and respect each other completely and that encompasses all.
And why the heck is blogville suddenly filled with issues about gender equality, women, men and mothers???
@qmoney, dearie to answer ur questions:
I think O genuinely cares for me but we have a lot of issues like his swollen Ego for example. It always comes in the way of everything else.
Do i think if i become submissive, he will change? No i dont but i think that if i submit the way he wants, most of our problems will end.
Yes, i think I can live with him. In fact my eyes have recently been opened to see that I can cope with him if I bend a little too.
@FBA, wow! A man who is so passionate about this whole submission issue! Your views are interesting and they make sense too but wait o...i think in a relationship whether married or not, peopel should have a goal. Those that dont have a goal to end up in marriage are not the ones i am talking to.
they dont even need to respect themselves if they choose but a relationship that has a focus must be founded on certain things.
If i was a man dating a wayward girl, i wont marry her cos i dont want a wayward wife. I think same thing applies to submission. If my girlfriend is disrespectful and unsubmissive, I wont marry her except i want a disrespectful, unsubmissive wife.
Its that simple.
Hmmm, dont even know what to say...
But if u guys are meant for each other then all will work out well in the end...
But being submissive doesn't mean being foolish...a woman can always get her own way not by confrontation but by being subtly nice...even if u have to fake the tears...
Afro,u sum evrthn up nicely really......
@finw boy agbero,if ur 1st paragragh was definition of submissiveness then u are ON YOUR OWN.u no go see wife marry oh..lol
wat am jus trying to say is that princesca's defn sums it up NOT ur own defntn.urs is SLAVERY!!
ITS NOT JUST BLOGSVILLE OH,THE world is now filled with this kinda conversation....
True, a woman should submit to (her) man; however, 'tis not in the place of (her) man to demand it. He has to earn it.
A man that cannot earn the submission of a woman has no business with her. Yes, there are strong-willed women but, when the right man (who can earn it) comes along these women submit.
i do not know what to say. try to get him to see your point, all this without arguing. if you can do it? let mw know!
at this point.. I think O shd bury himself.. he dsnt know what he has.. useless pant.
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